Falling Slowly
by pagetcookgubler
Summary: AU. "He doesn't force her, doesn't lecture her, he just sits with her in silence and runs his thumb across her knuckles. He knows she'll talk to him when she's ready. She always does." In no particular order, a series of one shots and drabbles chronicling the relationship between Amanda Rollins and Sonny Carisi.
1. Confessions

**Chapter One**

"Stop right there!" Carisi holds his gun in front of him, Fin standing close by in the same position. He shares a look with Fin, the hair on the back of his neck standing up. "Don't move!"

The suspect, who they had been chasing for the past five minutes, suddenly decides to stop and Carisi gets an uneasy feeling in his stomach as he stares them down. Then he pulls out the gun and before Fin can stop him, a shot rings through the air, deafening Fin and paralyzing Carisi.

"Shit!" Fin curses, kneeling by Carisi's side. He doesn't care that he hears the suspect's retreating footsteps or Olivia's voice through his earpiece. He quickly gets to work applying pressure, despite Carisi's objections.

"I'm fine. He's getting away."

Fin ignores him, applying pressure to his knee. In response, Carisi lets out a grunt of pain, further proving to Fin that he is, in fact, _not_ fine. "You're not fine, man. You were shot in the knee." He responds to Olivia's concerned but frantic orders for him to answer her. "Carisi's down. I need a bus."

Carisi wants to tell him that he can manage, to catch the bastard, but his entire world goes black and the last thing he hears is Fin telling him to hang in there.

When he wakes up, he's surrounded by white walls and the sound of beeping. He's vaguely aware of a soft, warm hand in his own and he knows he's held that hand before. It takes a minute for his brain to register where he is, but once he does, he remembers what happened.

He tries to move, but the searing pain in his body stops him and suddenly, he's looking into those blue eyes that he's not sure he can go a day without seeing.

"Try not to move," she whispers, brushing her free hand across his cheek softly. "You just had emergency surgery." She reluctantly pulls her hand away, and Carisi feels cold all of a sudden. "You scared me half to death, Dominick."

Carisi wants to correct her, to tell her to call him Sonny, but he decides he likes it when she calls him Dominick. It's his turn to stroke her cheek, but the pain meds make him woozy and uncoordinated, and he only ends up lifting his arm slightly off the mattress and waving his hand lazily in the air.

She seems to know what he's trying to do, though, and she gently guides his hand to her cheek, leaning into his touch.

"You can't get rid of me that easy, Amanda." He slurs, letting his hand drop into her lap. "I love you too much." His eyes close and he lets himself drift off again, his drug-riddled mind completely unaware of what he just revealed.

She's taken aback, but she feels the corners of her mouth twitch and turn upright into a small smile and she waits until she hears his breathing even out and his soft snores to respond. "I love you too, Dominick." She whispers, squeezing his hand tighter.


	2. Stay

**Chapter Two**

She realizes that part of her job is to go undercover sometimes. But this particular case is really taking its toll on her and when Olivia sends her undercover as a hotel worker, she panics.

When she has to play the part of the victim, being led upstairs by the suspect, her hands start shaking and her heart starts beating in her chest so loud she wonders if he can hear it.

Fear is coursing through her veins, but to everyone in the van parked outside, it looks like she's just playing the part.

She keeps replaying Olivia's words in her mind, repeating them over and over in her head like a mantra.

_"We'll stop it before it gets out of hand." _

Carisi refuses to join them. He would rather catch up on paperwork than see Amanda walk into something he's not sure she'll be able to come back from. He tells Olivia it's a bad idea, if only because he knows what goes on when she goes home and doesn't have to put on a brave face. He knows what the nightmares do to her. He tells her to find someone else, but Olivia points out that she _has_ no one else.

Carisi has a bad feeling in his stomach for the rest of the day and when she walks through the doors of the precinct, trailing in behind Fin and Olivia, he sees the look on her face. It's only there for a second, a flash of pain and fear gone so fast that if Carisi didn't see the same damn look every night, he would've wondered if he actually saw it.

Carisi knows the words are going to come out of her mouth before she says them, and he already has his answer prepared.

"You comin' over for spaghetti night?"

Carisi just smiles and finds her hand under the table, giving it a gentle squeeze. He doesn't miss the flinch. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Rollins."

She's cleaning up the dishes and keeping an eye on Jesse from her highchair when he notices that her hands start shaking. He knows she doesn't want Jesse to see her upset, so he grabs Jesse from her highchair and carries her to her bedroom, gently placing her in her crib.

When he returns, he sees her sitting on the couch with her legs curled underneath her. She's staring off into space and gripping onto her wine glass a little too tightly and Carisi worries that it's going to break in her hand, so he gently pries it from her grip and lets her squeeze his hand instead.

"You wanna talk about it?"

She just shakes her head, because she knows that if she talks, she'll lose control of her emotions.

He doesn't force her, doesn't lecture her, he just sits with her in silence and runs his thumb across her knuckles. He knows she'll talk to him when she's ready. She always does.

It's 3:00 in the morning and Carisi is sound asleep on her pull out couch when he hears the noise. He can't make it out at first, but once he's more awake, he recognizes the sound. He hates the sound.

He stands up, padding over to her bedroom door. He knocks lightly before entering, so as not to startle her. He sees her sitting up, wiping furiously at her cheeks in a desperate attempt to hide the fact that she's crying.

He waits until she moves over on the bed to make room for him before he pads over to her and pulls her close.

She leans into him and rests her head on his chest. The sound of his strong, steady heartbeat calms her immediately. "I know it's irrational..." She starts, but he cuts her off before she can continue.

"'Manda, it's not irrational. What happened to you isn't easy to forget, and I'm sorry you had to relive it all tonight."

She hums against his chest, taking his hand in hers. She feels him squeeze it softly and she feels stronger. He's the only one who's ever had that effect on her. "I'll be okay," she whispers, but her voice falters and she knows that Carisi won't let it go that easily.

He sighs, tightening his hold on her. He just wants to take away her pain and fear and carry it all for her. "I know you will, Rollins." He runs his free hand down her arm. "Is there anything I can do to make it better?"

She hesitates, and when she finally answers him, her voice is so faint that she's not sure Carisi hears her. "Just stay with me."

He places a chaste kiss to her hair and rests his cheek on top of her head. "I'm here." He whispers. "Always."


	3. Isn't She Lovely

**Chapter Three**

"What about Alice?"

Amanda makes a face at Carisi's suggestion and places a hand over her protruding stomach. She's due any day now and they still don't have a name for their baby.

It's been a while since the two of them settled on Olivia for the middle name, after their boss who has done so much for both of them, but they can't seem to agree on a first name.

They decide not to tell Olivia until she's born. He wants to surprise her and she isn't opposed to the idea.

Amanda suggests that they name her after one of his sisters, but he points out that if they do that, the other ones will feel left out.

He suggests they name her Kim, but Amanda doesn't want her daughter to know about her aunt until she's old enough, and she fears naming her Kim would bring up too many questions she wouldn't be able to answer until much later in her life.

"She doesn't feel like an Alice." She flips the page of the book of baby names and her eyes land on Savannah. "What about Savannah?" She feels the baby kick and she rubs her stomach. "I think she likes it."

Carisi reaches over and places a hand on her stomach, beaming when he feels her kick. He never gets tired of that. "I guess Savannah's a winner."

She wakes up in labor the following Tuesday and as prepared as they are for this day, Carisi can't stop panicking. He can't find his car keys for the life of him and when she waddles over to him with the keys dangling in her hands, he smiles sheepishly at her and starts to leave the apartment with the baby bag in his hand.

"Forgetting someone, Dom?"

He pauses for only a moment before he hurries into Jesse's bedroom and emerges with the sleeping child in his arms a few seconds later.

Olivia and Rafael are sitting in the waiting room while Fin paces the room nervously.

"How long's it take for a baby to be born?"

His voice is tinged with worry, if only because he knows what happened the last time she gave birth.

"Longer than two hours, Fin." Olivia speaks up from her spot next to Rafael. She's holding a sleeping Jesse close to her while Rafael holds Noah. "It'll be a while. You should make yourself comfortable."

Fin sits down across from Olivia, but he can't seem to sit still. He's bouncing his legs in his seat and he runs a shaky hand over his face.

"She'll be fine." Rafael adjusts Noah in his arms because he's starting to fuss. "Carisi's with her. And the doctors will let us know if anything happens."

It takes her six hours to finally greet her parents, but Savannah Olivia Rollins-Carisi is finally here. Carisi counts her fingers and toes - just in case.

He walks out into the waiting room and he swears it's not two seconds before they're all over him. "Everything's okay," he assures them and Fin releases the breath he was holding. "I want you all to meet your niece. Savannah Olivia Rollins-Carisi."

She's wrapped tightly in a pink blanket and her blue eyes are looking up at her father like he's the best thing she's ever seen.

Olivia is beyond honored and when Carisi tells her that she and Rafael are the godparents, her heart is full.

She's the first one besides Amanda and Sonny to hold her and when Savannah starts fussing in her arms, she immediately starts cooing softly and rocking her back and forth until the newborn quietens.

By the time Sonny brings Savannah back, Amanda is exhausted. Still, she holds her arms out for Savannah and brushes her finger across her cheek.

Savannah's tiny hand grabs Amanda's finger and holds on tightly, and that's how mother and daughter fall asleep that morning.

Sonny just watches them sleep, the two most important people in his life.

He wonders how he got so lucky.


	4. Don't Let Me Go

**Chapter Four**

It's just an elevator. Sonny has to keep telling himself that as he and Amanda ride the stupid machine up to the 1-6. He's gripping the railing so hard that his knuckles are turning white and Amanda's voice is distant in his ears. Then it jerks them both forward and Sonny's heart starts beating faster in his chest. He tries to control his breathing as Amanda calls for help through the speaker.

"This is Detective Rollins from the 1-6. Detective Carisi and I are stuck on the fourth floor in lift number 3098."

_"Looks like a car knocked over a power pole, Detective Rollins. We'll get a technician out to you as soon as possible. Hang tight."_

"Copy that." Amanda releases the button and turns to Carisi. "I guess we should make ourselves comfortable."

Sonny sinks to the floor, his entire body shaking and his breathing becoming more labored. He's suddenly back in middle school and being stuffed in the locker by a group of bullies. He can hear them laughing, taunting him and he covers his ears with his hands to try and make it stop. He sees their faces as they beat him up and throw his battered body inside his locker, so he closes his eyes to make them go away.

It doesn't work.

He's screaming for help, pounding his fists on his locker as he peeks through the slots to see if anyone is out there. He sees students and teachers walk by, ignoring his cries for help. He screams louder and pounds on the metal door until his fists start to bleed but no one is helping him. Why isn't anyone helping him?

"Sonny?"

He's too busy counting down from 100 in his head and he doesn't hear her calling him. He jumps when he feels her hand on his arm and he scoots himself back into the corner.

"Dominick." Her voice is soft but stern and she kneels down in front of him. Her hand is still resting on her arm and she squeezes it gently to let him know she's there.

He seems to have snapped out of whatever flashback he was in and he looks at Amanda, but his hands are shaking and the sweat drips off his forehead. His throat tightens and his breathing is becoming more erratic the longer he's trapped.

She doesn't ask if he's okay. She can see he's not. Instead she settles on assuring him that he's safe. "You're okay, Dominick. You're safe. You're at work, in the elevator, with me. Just you and me." She knows he still struggles with the bullying he endured throughout his school years, but this is new and she doesn't know how to help him. She doesn't want him to see how scared she is for him.

"Amanda," he whimpers, focusing on her eyes. Her eyes always seem to calm him. He feels her lift her hand from his arm and he thinks she's going away, but then she places it on his cheek and strokes it gently.

She can see that he's starting to hyperventilate so she takes his hands in her own. "You need to breathe, Dominick. In and out." She takes a deep breath in and then exhales, coaxing Carisi to do the same. "In," she breathes in again and waits for Sonny to follow. She sees his chest rise and she exhales. "And out."

He feels one of her hands holding onto his and he squeezes it tightly. He needs to know she's not going anywhere. The other hand is running through his hair because she knows that it soothes him. He can't tell her that it's actually just her presence that soothes him. His breathing is finally returning to normal and he's able to control his shaking hands. He's okay, he tells himself. He's with Amanda. He breathes in and out, still grasping tightly to her hand. It's a few seconds later when he starts to feel like Sonny again. "I'm okay." He whispers, but he's not ready to let go of her hand yet.

Her hand is still running softly through his hair and she watches him closely, concern etched on every inch of her face. "Dom..."

He's about to tell her everything but then he hears the doors creak open and he clambers to his feet rather clumsily, too anxious to get out of the elevator.

She grabs his arm, steadying him just before he hits the ground. "Maybe I should take you home for the day. I'll tell Liv you're sick..."

"No!" He barks, pulling away from her. She can't know about his panic attacks. She'll put him on desk duty, make him talk to a shrink. He doesn't want anyone to know how weak he is. It's bad enough that Amanda knows. "Please just...pretend this never happened."

Amanda just nods. She's unsure how to make him feel better so she does the only thing she can think of. She takes his hand in hers and laces their fingers together. They walk out of the elevator hand in hand.

He's not himself for the rest of the day but he hides it well and she thinks that maybe if she didn't share a bed with him almost every night, she would've fallen for his act just as easily as Olivia and Fin do.

But she doesn't fall for it, and when they get home that evening, she brings it up with him again. They're sitting on the couch watching reruns of Scrubs and she notices that he's focusing on the carpet instead of the screen. She sighs and twists herself in his arms so that she can reach the remote, turning the TV off. "Dominick, we need to talk about this."

He tenses and his grip tightens on her. He's terrified she'll leave him once she finds out, but she doesn't make an effort to move out of his arms. Instead, she reaches up and cups his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs. He hates that she can always see right through him, and today is no different.

"Sonny," she leans up and kisses him softly, letting her lips linger on his for a few seconds before pulling away. "I'm right here. I'm not goin' anywhere."

He nods and leans into her touch. He swallows the lump forming in his throat because he doesn't want to cry. Not in front of her. "They stuffed me in my locker." He starts, closing his eyes tightly. He can see their faces again. "I was trapped, screaming for help. It felt like hours before a teacher heard and let me out."

"I'm so sorry," Amanda starts, and she's rubbing soothing circles on his back. She feels the guilt wash over her because she knows what those assholes did to his psyche over the years and she can't help but wonder if things would've been easier for him if she'd talked him into getting help.

"I know how scary flashbacks can be." She's no stranger to PTSD herself and she thinks that maybe he needs a break. It worked for her. "You need to take some time, Dominick. You need to get better."

"No one can know, Amanda." He looks at her and the tears are shining in his eyes despite his earlier attempt to hide them. "Please." He chokes out. "They can't know how weak I am. It's bad enough that you do."

She strokes his hair, pulling him closer so his head is on her shoulder. "You're not weak, Dominick. You're smart, and brave, and kind, and funny. Everyone we work with knows that. _I_ know that." She presses her lips to his forehead. "I didn't fall in love with you because of your past. I fell in love with who you are now - a _good man_. My best friend."

His tears are falling freely now and his body is shaking with sobs. She holds him closely, rubbing his back as his tears soak her t-shirt. She just keeps repeating the three words he's been too afraid to tell her, whispering softly in his ear as she rocks back and forth.

"I love you."


	5. I Feel Better

**Chapter Five**

Amanda groans softly as she wakes up. The pain in her head is excruciating and she closes her eyes in an attempt to make the room stop spinning. Her stomach is churning and she thanks a God she doesn't believe in that she doesn't have to work today.

She feels him stir next to her and then he's pulling her closer, pressing his lips to her forehead. He pulls away and frowns, his hand lingering where his lips were just a few seconds before. "You're burnin' up, 'Manda."

Amanda just groans again and leans into his touch, closing her eyes to try and rid her head of the pain, but it doesn't help. She feels him kiss the top of her head and then he moves off the bed, tucking her in tightly.

"Just rest, 'Manda. The girls and I will be fine."

Amanda mumbles something incoherent in response and she hears him whisper that he loves her before she drifts off back to sleep. She wakes up hours later to him shaking her shoulder gently. Her headache seems to be gone, but she's still feeling like she's been run over by a bus. She sees he's holding a tray of food and her stomach flips at the thought of eating. Still, she knows it's important to take care of herself, so she sits up and lets him place the tray in her lap.

He takes the opportunity to check her temperature and he breathes a sigh of relief when he realizes it went down. "Jess and Savvy wanted to make you some breakfast."

"They okay?" She asks, observing the piece of toast that was obviously left in the toaster for way too long. Her voice is hoarse and she winces in pain.

"They're fine, 'Manda. Jesse's been playin' big sister all morning. Things are under control."

Before she can say anything else, the girls come bounding into the room and Savannah holds her arms up for Amanda to pick her up.

Amanda pushes the tray aside because her and Sonny both know that the breakfast that their daughters made her is inedible. Instead, she helps Savannah and Jesse up onto the bed and lets them both crawl into her lap.

Sonny joins them and Savannah immediately crawls over to him, babbling happily when he picks her up. She's only two years old, but Amanda doesn't think she'll ever love anyone as much as she loves her father.

Amanda feels better already.


	6. For Keeps

**Chapter Six**

His hands are sweaty and his stomach is doing somersaults as he packs up the last of his belongings. He wants today to be a surprise, something she'll never see coming.

She walks into the squad room and sees him packing. It's his last day as Detective Carisi and she's both overwhelmingly proud and sorrowful at the same time.

He's leaving to be a full time father and she knows how much he loves Jesse and Savannah but this job is everything to him and she knows he's been struggling with the decision for a while.

Still, she knows how much he wants - needs - this and she isn't going to stand in his way. She just wants him to be happy.

"Your name's Carisi and you're pulling an Irish goodbye?"

He shrugs and packs the last of his belongings into the box, closing it tightly. He takes one last look around the squad room - his second home for so long - and picks up his belongings. "I didn't want anybody to make a big fuss or anything, so..." He makes his way to the elevator and Amanda's walking right beside him.

She takes his free hand and laces her fingers with his. It's a small gesture but she's done it ever since she found out about his fear of enclosed spaces. "Well, before you leave this life behind, why don't you let me buy you one last drink as Detective Carisi?"

He doesn't see the surprise party coming, but he takes the opportunity to make one more life-changing decision. He fingers the ring in his pocket and tries to calm his nerves as everyone is talking to him.

He was going to take her and the kids to dinner and get the waiter to hide the ring in her dessert - cliché as it may be - but now is as good a time as any. In front of the people they love - in front of their family.

She's talking to Olivia, balancing Jesse in her arms and holding Savannah's baby carrier so he pulls Fin aside and tells him what he's about to do.

"I'm gonna propose to her."

Fin stares at him for a few seconds and then his face breaks out into a goofy grin and he claps his friend on the back. "'Bout time, man. I know she'll say yes. 'Manda's crazy about you."

Sonny nods, but Fin's words do little to calm his nerves. They step back into the party and Amanda wanders over to them - free of Jesse who had been distracted by Noah's toy race car and ran off with him when he promised to let her play with it - placing her hand on Sonny's arm. "Everything okay?"

Fin claps his back one more time before offering to take Savannah and walking over to the table being occupied by the squad. He can't contain the smile on his face.

"Fine," Sonny squeaks out and he clears his throat. "I just need to say something." His voice is louder and he faces everyone in the room, clearing his throat again.

He hears Amanda whispering in his ear, asking him what's going on. "Everyone," he starts, and the guests quiet down to focus on Carisi. "If I could have your attention. I need to make an announcement."

He turns to Amanda and takes her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "'Manda, I was gonna do this at dinner tonight, but I figure it's better to do it with the people we love."

Her heart is beating faster in her chest and she covers her mouth with a shaky hand because she'd be lying if she said she didn't know this was coming. She allows the tears to fall as Carisi continues with his speech but his voice is muffled in her ears and the world seems to vanish; she can't look away.

He takes a deep breath and pulls the box out of his pocket, getting down on one knee. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and how happy you make me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and the girls. I want us to be a family. Amanda, will you marry me?"

"Yes," Amanda chokes out between sobs and she holds her hand out for Sonny to place the ring on her finger. "Of course I'll marry you, Dominick."

He stands and pulls her closer, pressing his lips to hers. He holds her tightly and the sounds of cheering and applauding pull them out of their own world. Jesse runs into her mother's arms and lets Amanda hold her tightly, wrapping her tiny arms around Amanda's neck and beaming at Sonny.

Everyone's hugging them and giving their congratulations and she's showing off her ring to Olivia. He's beaming at her side and she takes his hand and holds on tight.

She gets to hold this hand forever.


	7. I Almost Lost You

**Chapter Seven**

They're saying it's supposed to be the worst winter storm to ever hit New York. The wind starts before the snow, leaving Manhattan without any power.

Sonny's making dinner when the lights flicker off and, while he's a little perturbed that they lose power at such an inconvenient time, he can't seem to focus on it for too long.

He digs out the flashlights, handing one to Savannah. She doesn't really know what to do with it, though, so the one-year-old just squeals in delight and bangs it on the tray on her highchair.

Sonny looks at his watch and then looks out the window. It's not too bad out there yet, but he grows concerned when the snow starts and Amanda and Jesse are still not home.

Jesse is sick with the flu - the same flu that she's had for weeks - and today is the only day that Amanda can get her in to see the doctor.

He tells her to wait until the storm subsides, that Jesse has more energy and she seems to be eating more, which is a good thing. But when she takes Jesse's temperature that morning, it's 105 and Amanda and Sonny both know that's too high.

They're gone for hours, leaving Savannah and Sonny alone in the safety of their apartment. He pulls his phone out and calls her but it goes straight to voicemail which doesn't do much to calm his nerves.

He thinks about calling Olivia because she can use her power as the captain to get an update on anyone admitted to the hospitals in the area. Then he realizes she's got Noah and Rafael and giving her a reason to worry is probably not the best idea.

So he waits another two hours before he finally hears the jingling of keys on the other side of the door and her soft voice talking to Jesse.

She strolls in, Jesse in one arm and Chinese take out in the other. She barely has time to put Jesse and the Chinese food down before he pulls her into his arms. He does the same with Jesse and she quickly settles into his side.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was? It's been..." He adjusts Jesse in his arms to look at his watch again. "Six hours!"

She feels the guilt wash over her and she steps closer, placing her hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry. We got snowed in at the doctors office and my phone ran out of charge." She sees the look on his face and the guilt tugs at her heart. "We're both fine, Dom. Jesse and I are fine." She turns to Jesse and runs a hand through her daughter's hair. "Right, Jess?"

Jesse nods eagerly in Sonny's arms and wraps her little arms around his neck in a hug. "Fine, Daddy!"

Sonny can finally breathe then, and he feels like he can let Jesse out of his arms without having a nervous breakdown. It's her turn to pull him close now and she rests her head on his chest as he holds on tight.

She lets him hold her for a few moments longer, relishing the warmth that being in his arms provides. She pulls away and grabs a flashlight and some plates, preparing their dinner.

He helps her get the kids settled and he plays with the ring on his finger as they're sitting at the table. He thinks about how easily he could've become a widower. He thinks about how he almost lost his wife and stepdaughter, how utterly destroyed he would be if they never came home.

They hold each other a little tighter that night, snuggled in bed with their two babies. She doesn't mention the car that swerved off the road in front of her and stopped just before it hit her. He's perfectly content knowing his wife and daughter made it home safely and she doesn't want to ruin that.

She just snuggles in closer to him, holding Savannah and Jesse tightly. She knows she made it home to them and nothing else matters.


End file.
